'The Depressing Entertainment that is Life' — Episode 21436346: “I Don't Want to Live on this Planet Anymore”
Inline at my local Drug Mart, I got the distinct pleasure of seeing a woman attempt to buy a bunch of bottles of shitty vodka by asking the clerk ring it up as Lean Cuisines on her EBT card. She had the math worked out and everything, so it’s difficult not to admire the attempt.
"What the fuck you talkin’ ‘bout?! The convenient down the street do it all the time!" — said the Mother of the Year candidate.
Tonight, I’ll sleep well knowing her seven children, running around the store, pocketing candy bars and swearing up a storm are in good hands. I’m glad they got to witness the shouting match that ensued when the clerk refused, and am thrilled that one of their earliest memories of their mother involves her getting escorted out of a Discount Drug Mart by security.
"Customer service my ass!!!" — Indeed, miss. In-fucking-deed.
It’s moments like these in a child’s life that build character. Whether or not I want to be around said character when they grow up is a different story… but you know — character.
This is the caliber of person that thinks it’s OK for Superman be responsible for tens of thousands of deaths, ladies and gentlemen.
Goodbye, Superman. I’ll always be your biggest fan. I don’t know this character that’s wearing your costume nowadays, but it certainly isn’t you. I’m personally rooting for Batman to kick his ass, and I know you are too.
We all know Batman wont kill him, but we know this impostor doesn’t follow those rules. He’s killed before, ignored the screams of the innocent echoing in his super-ears, and left bodies in the rubble of his apathy.
With Batman’s paranoia justified, now we’re rooting for a psychopath from Gotham to show him how to be a hero. Sound familiar, Superman? That was always your job.
Some say you’re immature, and that nobody would act the way you do. They say there is nothing mature about about joy and altruism — but you always knew better.
You didn’t do it to chase the ghosts of loved ones, and you didn’t do it for fame or fortune. You did it because doing the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing is the right thing to do. You did it because there is value in altruism, and your motive was joy. And there is nothing immature about that; there’s nothing immature about being a hero.
Well, here I go again; crying like a girl at graduation.
Every. Damn. Time.
NOTE TO ASPIRING CONTENT CREATORS: You need to work on your conveyance issues
Recently this video was sent to my Tumblr inbox thanking me in advance for sharing it with all of my riser.games followers.
Well, I didn’t share it, but not because I’m a dick or because it doesn’t reflect what I’m trying to do on my blog. No, I didn’t share it but because… well, watch it.
Did you watch it? Good. Now riddle me this, friends: Does the video in question look like a teaser trailer for a video game review show or does it look like a fan-made trailer for Titanfall set to “Mr. Roboto” by Styx?
Well, if you said “It’s fan-made trailer for Titanfall” — you’re apparently wrong. And don’t feel bad for being wrong either, as at no point does the video portray this fact. Hell, the only reason I know it’s a teaser trailer for a video game review show is because they stated it in the message.
So note to future content creators: You need to work on your conveyance issues.
It is not the responsibility of those sharing your work to figure out what you’re attempting to do. It is your job to convey information, as we aren’t all on the same wavelength. And the reason I’m writing about this is because at the end of the day, if people don’t know what you’re attempting to accomplish, nobody will go out of their way to figure it out.
Grand Theft Auto V's major flaw: characters speaking while this song is playing on the radio.
I’m elated so many of you had the intelligence to recognize my brilliant comedic mind and couldn’t help but share my clever musings with the world.
Every time you reblog this brilliant post of my own creation, I can feel a spring in my step, as knowing I made the world a better place simply reinforces what I’ve known all along: when I was born, the mold crumbled under the weight of my importance.
And to think there was a time before the whole of Tumblr was blessed by my creativity. Well my friends, those were very dark times indeed.
Tumblr? You’re welcome.
Come back, M. Night
I’ve come to the conclusion that if I were to ever interview M. Night Shyamalan, I’d probably just be nice to him. I mean, I think it’s pretty obvious M. Night is a real “idea-man” that unfortunately — if his career is any indication — got surrounded by more and more by sycophantic “yes-men.” I don’t care how talented you are, brown-nosers will ruin anyone’s creativity — I’ve seen it happen right before my eyes.
But before you dismiss what I’m saying, think about it: The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable are great, even in retrospect. Signs just needed that extra critical eye to run over the script and maybe drop the silly religion angle. The Village needed a lot more work, but the idea behind it gets undeserved flack because of its execution. Lady in the Water was a crudely narcissistic yet weirdly fascinating piece of nonsense. The Happening and The Last Airbender were just embarrassing near-comedies that were just a Mike Nelson away from riff-material. And of course After Earth. Oh boy After Earth. Not only did M. Night turn one of Hollywood’s most charismatic actors into a block of wood, After Earth is apparently worse than anything he’s ever done before. I couldn’t tell you anything about After Earth though, I haven’t seen it. But this fella can…
I know it’s way too late for everyone else, as M. Night has become a walking punchline — people aren’t joking; there’s always laughter when his name pops up in trailers — but a part of me would like to see M. Night accept his failure and reflect on what made his great movies great. He has a good movie in him; I know he does.
I love movies of all qualities and am usually more forgiving of a bad movie than a bad video game. Even if a movie fails, you can at least have an appreciation for what the director was trying to do. I love the heart put into a B-movie (and “B” doesn’t stand for “bad,” people), I love the big-budget failure of an over-hyped blockbuster (Batman & Robin is my favorite masterpiece-in-failure), and I love seeing directors succeed even if everyone “knows” they’re going to fail.
So come on, M. Night. Give it another shot. I’m not willing to give up on you yet.